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GONZO TOWN MAN OF THE YEAR 2011: YOUR NOMINEES

December 28, 2011

By Stone Pinkerton

It’s still regarded by the world’s true movers and shakers as ‘the one to get’. In other words, GONZO TOWN’S 2011 MAN OF YEAR AWARD is as prestigious as any other award in the modern media sphere.

Our bigger, more well-funded competitors like TIME, MTV and GQ have nearly killed this great genre altogether, by over-saturating the publics’ brains with the worst array of political criminals, severely overrated Hollywood types and overpaid internet geeks-cum-gods imaginable. It’s like an annual horror show of banality and globalist mind manipulation.

How is our G-TOWN contest different from theirs? Putting it simply, we swim against the current. We haven’t sold out to commercial pop culture, but more importantly, we aren’t pretending to be cool, or ‘in the know’ – because our readers are constantly reminding us that we are not at all cool, and definitely not in with the ‘in crowd’ since we blocked Johnny Depp (he was talking too much on Twitter, claiming to ‘know’ us) from our subscriber list and de-friended Noam Chomsky from our Facebook page last year because he was always plugging something or rather.

The failure of the establishment’s  TIME Magazine Man of Year award is fairly evident after looking at who has won their prize the last three years: Barack Obama 2008 , Ben Bernanke 2009, and Mark Zuckerberg 2010. Three howlers in a row (and three men you would not go on a beer binge with), a horrendous streak that has discredited them well into the next century. Next is GQ Magazine, who actually do a slightly better job than TIME, but still lack substance, relying too much on image and fashion.

It’s true that actor and part-time boxer Mickey Rourke was G-TOWN’S 2010 MAN OF THE YEAR, but it wasn’t an easy contest - 2010′s field of nominees were many and quite fierce to boot. Because of a bug in our power ranking software and the explosive popularity of Kim Jong Ill last year, there was a bit of controversy over how the final ballots were cast - in nutshell, we admit it was a mess. So we have  reformed our democratic system this year to include some new checks and balances. Our nominees are derived from a list of names put forward by our international editorial board, already known to be on the cutting edge of culture and politics. We nominate, and you the readers vote.

Last year we received a whopping 590 votes from readers on our mailing list and in the comment section. So send your vote to us via email, or put the name of your choice for the 2011 MAN OF THE YEAR winner in the comment area at the end of this post.

Forward to your friends and get them involved in the vote, the more votes we get, the bigger the mandate G-TOWN’S winner will have.

2010 was an exceptional year, but the world has really been slacking off in 2011, forcing us to be much more selective, serving up a slightly thinner field. We looked for pure stand-out icons, true ass-kickers, edgy dudes, unapologetic rebels, as well as opening up our elite competition to a new category of nominee: unbelievably tragic icon (who deserves recognition purely on the basis of the amount of hardship endured in 2011). We’re not ready to do the political correct ‘Person of the Year’ thing quite yet. But we’ll guarantee that ours will be the most controversy-loaded list out there for 2011 Man of the Year.

Normally, we would nominate a few athletes for the list, but seeing as basketball is the guilty pleasure of most the Gonzo board and the NBA decided to go on strike for half the season during an economic climate where normal wage earners are struggling to keep up with food and gas bills, they are all persona non grata until next year. A bunch of tall greedy bastards. Julian Assange would have made the list, but the fact he’s been hiding out on a Bedfordshire farm for the last year making pies and managing a compost heap hasn’t really helped his case for Man of the Year. A far cry from globe-trotting wiki-swinger. We would have also put Private Bradley Manning on the list, but oddly enough, no one outside of the military brig has yet to confirm that he actually exists. 

We expect to be heavily criticized, redacted and attacked by the ADL and the SPLC for this year’s nominee list, but if we weren’t, then we wouldn’t really be doing our job, would we?

YOUR LIST OF NOMINEES FOR 2011:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – He’s an ex-school teacher and a pure political animal, not to mention someone who you would not want to be playing for money against in backgammon or chess. We have nominated Mahmoud because for the umpteenth straight year - he’s still around. He’s a winner and a true survivor, not to mention a tireless thorn in the side of Washington’s Mother Superior – Hillary Clinton, and her neocon fetish pets currently locked in the Pennsylvania Ave basement. His anti-American speeches have gone from anti-imperial rants, to eloquent cultural critiques, using the UN bully pulpit to give America advice on what to do. “No WMD’s here”. We dare you to find them. On top of all this… no one yet has ever seen Mahmoud wearing a tie, indicating that he’s no bureaucrat office-space slave. Need we say more?

Fidel Castro – At the tender age of 85, Fidel has been hanging in there, showing he still looks cool donning the Cohiba in his Jimmy Saville track suit, living proof that Cuba has got a bang’in NHS. 2011 was the year he finally stepped down from his chief exec position, enabling us to reclassify him as a “benevolent dictator”. Good job Fidel.

Bradley Cooper – No other actors made it on the list this year. Cooper was featured heavily in GQ’s Man of the Year contest, and may have won (we’re not sure cuz the newest issue we have in G-TOWN’s loo is from 2003). They claimed he was the new top dog and forced him to do a very gay photo shoot with too much make-up all because of his supposedly primo part in The Hangover II, which was a typical pile of shite as far as films go, but quite ideal for the mindless modern cinema goer. Cooper is privileged to land on this year’s list seeing that we hate Hollywood, but he was an extremely cool actor in an extremely interesting film. We nominated him solely because of his role in Limitless about a writer who takes the new ‘super pill’ allowing him to cheat the limitations of the human brain- possibly Hollywood’s most relevant cultural effort this year. Cooper did his role brilliantly in this film – and certainly got our imagination working overtime. Who wouldn’t want to learn a foreign language in a weekend or figure out the markets and make millions in a week?

Muomar Gaddafi - When we said this will be the most controversial list of 2011, we bloody well meant it. Gaddafi wanted to introduce a gold-backed dinar for Libya in 2011, a move that would have turned to financial scene on its head, and made Libya the Switzerland of Africa. There’s a lot one might say about the former Libyan leader, but remember this: with the odds stacked against them, any other tin-pot dictator would have cut and run in the early days of NATO’s illegal and corrupt war waged on Libya. But Gaddafi stayed and hung-in right to the very end, and took a bullet. His son also hung in with Dad and his fate was the same. This is not the quality of a brutal coward, rather, the Colonel behaved more like a monarch of old. Love him or hate him, he displayed a level of honour not visible in today’s world of technocrats and sycophantic political bagmen. Shame on the West for making his execution a Youtube hit. NATO’s intervention claimed over 30,000 lives, while the UN are still unable to prove its original allegations of Gaddafi ‘gunning down his own people’. Now Libya lays in ruins, as NATO moves its sights onto its next victim, Syria.

Max Keiser – This year, Keiser has really done well. His show on RT is getting crazy ratings and he is currently making the rest of the financial guru community look like a herd of confused penguins who think they can fly. He has become THE go-to-guy in a time of Eurozone and Wall Street madness, meaning he has truly earned his place on our list in 2011. Go Max.

Osama bin Laden - There are few men out there who have the balls to be dead for ten years, and then come back to life knowing he’d be killed again. Predictably, Obama announced, “There will be no photos or videos released” – because the White House had none. Makes sense. After playing old VHS footage of Bin Laden recorded during the 90′s and dubbing over the audio, the CIA eventually ran out tricks and so decided it was time to close the book on this terror icon extraordinaire. If he comes back from the dead again, he will be incredibly pissed off to find out the US Navy dumped his body in the Indian Ocean, rather than allowing him the courtesy to lay in state. More than anyone, Osama earned his place on this year’s list.

Titus Ncube – Who is Titus Ncube? Titus is the headliner in that unbelievably tragic icon category we told you about earlier. Not since John Wayne Bobbit, has there been a male warrior who ‘really took one for the team’. Respect to Titus, because he has really endured some serious public humiliation on a mass scale in 2011. No ordinary John, he’s a married man from Zimbabwe who ordered a prostitute to his hotel room, and then collapsed in shock after he answered the door… to his own daughter. There should be some award due to poor Titus – will it be the G-TOWN 2011 trophy?

Ron Paul – RP is about the closest thing to a bona fide rock star that the US political scene will see for a generation. First they ignored him, then they attacked him and now they are not sure what to do about him. Why is Ron Paul leading in the polls for his party’s GOP nomination? Because his ideas have landed on the national stage at the perfect moment – a time when Americans are desperate for real ideas and solutions. Most intelligent pundits would agree that entering 2012, the US is well and truly ******, and no one is better qualified to stop the bleeding and get Uncle Sam of his financial smack addiction than the good Doctor from Texas. Now all the GOP has to do is get him in a head to head against Barry O’Bomber, a contest we believe would shock the entire world. In 2012, we hope Ron Paul will finally have the big guns behind him, God knows America needs him now more than ever.

Manny Pacquiao - Pound for pound, the Filipino Flash is arguably the world’s best professional fighter, routinely making burgers out of his opponents, and not getting arrested between bouts. Pacquiao successfully defended his WBO welterweight boxing title this year against three-division world champion Shane Mosley. Wanting to make a difference before losing what are left of his precious brain cells, Manny has gone into politics, and learned to play golf in the process. Expect more big things in the future from Asia’s lethal weapon.

Vladimir Putin – The Russian Bear is back. Putin has got the balls and brains to lead, and announced he will be running for Prez again in early 2012 – the bookie’s favourite to win it. He may even go on to declare himself ‘President for Life’ – and who’s going to stop him? Reasons: Russia is the world’s number one oil producer and currently solvent – compared to an insolvent Europe and USA. This financial fact puts Putin’s Russia on top in terms of the global power pecking order. If you’ve seen the video where he rode into Red Square on a motorbike, clad in black leather and playing euro-metal tunes through his 20K PA, then you can hardly deny this 5’6″ ex-KGB strongman a place on the G-TOWN list. Put Vlad in any contest against Obama or Cameron, be it drinking, chess, trivia, boxing, skeet shooting, or even basketball, and we would put our cash behind Vlad… every time.

Charlie Sheen – There exist so few in show business or in politics who can by their actions or words, inject a cool new term into our popular lexicon. This is massive, and Charlie did it – “Winning”. Charlie got chucked off his own number one TV sitcom, and  although he may have lost a packet, it’s nothing compared to what the network lost by letting him go, replacing him with some bloke who was allegedly knobbing Bruce Willis’s ex-wife, not cool. Sheen proved himself to be an authentic man of the people in 2011, doing that one thing that every one has always wanted to do but never does – tell the boss to go f*** himself and don’t look back, come what may. Charlie’s a winner because he’s got that single thing which is so lacking in Hollywood, a thing called talent. Now he’s officially become a generational icon, placing him in pole position in the G-TOWN 2011 Grand Prix.

George Takei – This was a surprise nomination. George played Lt. Sulu on the epic series Star Trek. Some would say that’s cool enough to get on this list, but George took it where no Hollywood icon has gone before. In a rant late this year, Sulu went on a rampage starting a campaign ordering Star Trek and Star Wars fans lay down their weapons and join forces against the Twilight Saga teen vampire film series. According to Takei, “In Twilight the only message that rings through loud and clear is: ‘Does my boyfriend like me?”. Clearly, Takei has taken it upon himself to do a service to humanity and rid the youth of this satanic vampire rubbish, a massive bit of work which fast-trekked him onto the G-TOWN list for 2011. At 74 yrs of age, George Takei is still kicking ass.

Donald Trump – He’s not everyone cup of tea, and his hair piece is a flat-out joke, likely stemming from a low self-esteem and more likely from a severe lack of hair. But hear this: old Trumpy hit a home run early in 2011 by calling out Barry Soetoro aka Barack Obama, on his incredibly dodgy birth certificate. Trump’s bold move forced Bazza to rush the issue, causing the White House to release a hacked-up Adobe PDF forgery of Barry’s paper work, one of the most ill-conceived forgeries in history. Thanks to Trumpy, the world has finally seen the level of naked fraud which has infested US politics. Bill Clinton cried, “How dare you”. You might think the hair is silly and that The Apprentice is an annoying program, but damn, he really did the business on Barry.

NOW VOTE…

Send us your vote via email, or put your choice for the 2011 MAN OF THE YEAR winner in the comment area below.

VOTING CLOSES on Jan 31st 8am PST – with the winner announced during the hangover period sometime on New Year’s Day.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. Bryan Wilson permalink
    December 28, 2011 5:55 pm

    Charlie Sheen

  2. December 28, 2011 5:59 pm

    Charlie Sheen is my pick too

  3. December 28, 2011 6:02 pm

    Reblogged this on Basil Wheel.

  4. December 28, 2011 8:51 pm

    Fidel for sure, he beat death again;-)

    It’s rumoured he has one of those Dick Cheney heart pumps with a low resonating hum for a pulse and still shoots hoops twice a week. What a guy!

    OK, Charlie Sheen a close second ;-)

  5. shica79 permalink
    December 28, 2011 10:05 pm

    Charlie!

  6. Joe permalink
    December 29, 2011 2:27 pm

    Fidel

  7. Bernard permalink
    December 29, 2011 8:00 pm

    Muomar Gaddafi
    A man of honour. Quite contrary to the portrayed “madman”.
    Learning from the onset of the “liberation” in Libya, it has transformed everything I knew, or thought I knew then, about Libya.
    If one is willing to listen to the speech, or better use the transcription – the simultaneous translation was a disaster, well the speech given 2009 in front of the UN assembly was eye opening. Addressing a good deal of the problems mankind faces, he was one of the few or even the only one then, to have the guts to do this on a political level.
    The “revolution” in Libya turns out to be of the quality as the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the outcome for the population once again of similar a disaster as in Iraq.

    The West unfortunately and once again, destroyed yet another country, if it will be a failed one as the others, will soon to be seen.

    Gaddafi will remain a figure in history as a man of foresight, bravery and honesty.
    Unfortunately he was not able to include into the foresight perfidiousness, treason and the amount of lies the West is able to bring over each and every country it chooses to conquer and destroy.

    • December 29, 2011 8:14 pm

      Yes, most people have no idea beyond the Western media demonization of Gaddafi. Sad.

  8. December 30, 2011 2:14 am

    Trump did a pretty big thing, that’s balls.

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