WE’RE GETTING WORRIED JOE…
By Stone Pinkerton
Am I the only one who is getting worried? It’s been almost two years now. It’s time that someone actually gave a damn about this guy.
So we’ve taken the logical first step and printed up milk cartons for Vice President Joe Biden, then distributed them all over Washington DC with the hope that someone, somewhere is going to recognize his face and call it in to the appropriate authorities.
Mind you, we are fully aware that the job of Vice President does not carry a massive work load, nor does it require the office holder to give any serious face-time to the public. Your job essentially boils down sitting on the back wall in Congress, laughing at the President’s bad jokes- all in all, just keeping a low profile… doing and saying as little as possible in public.
But along comes the occasional anomaly. Dick Cheney used his time wisely and was arguably the busiest and most industrious US VP since George Bush Sr, juggling all his Haliburton contracts at the same time as two wars, along with at least three other major covert ops. There’s no telling what treasures all that free time can net you when you’re ‘second in command’. In the case of old L.B.J., his job was to lay extremely low until all the smoke had cleared after the “main event”.
But just take a step back for one minute, rewind your mind back to the campaign trail of 2008 and reconnect with that near deadly collective delusion that seems afflict American minds every four years. It’s that common delusion whereby people become utterly convinced that a Presidential candidate’s choice for Vice President is THE most important thing in the whole political package. Pundits were raving about Obama’s choice of “the insider” Joe Biden, despite the fact that no matter how hard they tried they couldn’t keep the great Delaware clap trap under control.
Nonetheless, as the laws political physics state, being a VP automatically qualifies one to run for President at some point in the future, therefore, it’s almost certain that Joe will be throwing his hat into the ring for President in 2016. Maybe that’s why he’s gone missing for so long now, he’s getting ready. Still, we’re not really sure.
Theories are abound. Has Joe been black-sacked by the White House Press Secretary for being a liability, or did he upset Rahm Emmanuel by opting to take his August holidays in the Maldives rather than supporting the flagging tourist industry in Tel Aviv? Or, as some credible conspiracy theorists have speculated, could it be that Joe has been spending much of this free time with former VP Dick Cheney, working out how to corner the market on waste removal in Iraq and Afghanistan over a spot of golf/miniature golf, or possibly planning a Smedley Butler-style coup-de-tat on the Homeland? Say it ain’t so.
We may never know why Joe has disappeared for this long, but we are imploring him to at least show his face so as to put this writer and the Gonzo Town staff as ease. Not to mention these milk cartons are starting to eat into our cigar budget this month.