Mickey Rourke wins 2010 “Man of the Year” in a storm of controversy
Jan 14, 2011
BREAKING NEWS: It seems that even something as simple and straight forward as a “Man of the Year” contest won’t go on without a major drama. Our first ever annual award ceremony has been rocked by controversy, as film star Mickey Rourke edged-out thespian Stephen Fry for the honours at 12am this morning. Strangely, neither person appeared on GonzoTown’s original top ten list of nominees earlier this week- no doubt baffled readers will be expecting some kind of explanation as to how this even happened.
In what appeared to be “techno glitch”, GonzoTown’s state-of-the-art advanced algorithm software used a computer model which placed newly liberated dissident Aung San Suu Kyi and boxing champion Manny Pacquiao ahead of the rest of the top ten. But then things went a bit wrong. A bizarre computer anomaly appeared in the end, one which pushed North Korean strongman Kim Jong il past both San Suu Kyi and Pacquiao in the power rankings. This obviously made no sense, thus prompting GonzoTown’s team to investigate the matter further. Apparently, the software used in the selection process was designed by the same firm who created the UN’s dodgy global warming computer model, forcing the editorial team to call an emergency meeting late last night.
The decision was then made to disqualify the whole process and pick a new winner, based on Twitter traffic.
GonzoTown’s Editor Stoney Pinkerton says, “Both San Suu and the Pac Man would’ve won this contest. It’s an embarrassing result to have Kim Jong il come out on top. I suspected something might be wrong with the software’s computer model. Upon further review, it appears that Kim’s credentials have been completely overrated by the computer’s power ranking. To our readers, I admit, this probably looks like a total sham so we have no choice but to invalidate the whole contest”.
Pinkerton explains, “After the Climategate scandal, it looks as if UN staff were trying to unload their software. Originally it cost like $10,000, then I found it on Rajendra Pachauri’s eBay store for like $9.99, so we bought it. And why not, I’m a power seller on eBay and I thought I could flog it back to Phil Jones or Michael Mann for at least a hundred bucks”.
Stoney goes on to add, “And the last thing we wanted was to piss off Kim Jong il. We can only apologise to people for making a pretty stupid software procurement choice.”
Total Twitter traffic results left the contest between British actor Stephen Fry and the iconic American actor Mickey Rourke. Web analytics showed that Fry’s Twitter traffic had the edge on Mickey but Gonzo’s team weren’t having it. After a major session down at our local, irate columnist Basil Valentine finally made the call at 12am this morning. “Ha, ha! That’s not going to happen. No way… if you lot can live with picking Stephen Fry as the Man of the Year then that’s it- I’m going back to work for the Guardian. I don’t give a damn if he’s number one on Tweets.”
When it came down to it, this was a slam dunk decision. Even though he didn’t appear on any one’s lists for Man of the Year, Mickey Rourke has the total package- an unexpected comeback effort that included hit films The Wrestler, Iron Man 2 (with a blinding Russian accent), and the Expendables, reinvented with a new cool-factor, quality tattoos, moxy, and of course, plenty of balls.
From the editorial team, we would like to congratulate the Pope of Greenwich Village for becoming GonzoTown’s inaugural “Man of the Year” for 2010. Well done Mickey (yes, you should’ve been in our top ten in the first place).
We feel like we really balls-up on our maiden voyage, so we would also like to extend our sincerest apology to all our readers and especially to Aung San Suu Kyi, Manny Pacquiao, Stephen Fry and the big victim in all this- Kim Jong il (reportedly, completely gutted by being robbed of the crown on a computer technicality) for all the mix-ups, which we are pretty much going to blame on the embattled UN IPCC Chief Rajendra Pachauri who supplied our dodgy computer software. Bang out of order.