GonzoTown’s 2010 ‘Man of the Year’ Nominees
By Stone Pinkerton
Jan 10, 2010
Editor’s Note: Although the title “Man of the Year” may appear sexist to progressive readers, there are in fact some women on our inaugural list. Come next Christmas, the award will be entitled the 2011 ‘Person of the Year’, it’s only that our newly formed editorial board at GonzoTown voted unanimously that this- its freshman season, will contain absolutely no politically correct content.
Normally, a list of “Man of the Year” award nominees reads like a who’s who of political power brokers and captains of industry, with a few activists, communist dissidents and pop icons thrown in to round out a typical TIME Magazine candidate list. Here in GonzoTown, we are now pioneering a unique formula which we hope might rival TIME in the coming years. Through a series of ad-hoc surveys and targeted sampling conducted at series of watering holes over the holidays, along with a week of serious deliberation on what qualifies someone to be a finalist for this prestigious honour- we came up with a system. Using a state-of-the-art algorithm software package, GonzoTown’s computer generated power rankings first establish a baseline of maximum social impact, and award additional points for any one of the following attributes: major achievement(monumental success or failure), career potential, moxy and finally… some serious balls (never hurts).
Without further a do, here is GonzoTown’s esteemed list of nominees for this past year 2010:
(in alphabetical order)
Aung San Suu Kyi– She just did 20 years bird for opposing the USA/Pepsi Cola-backed brutal military junta in Myanmar (aka Burma). A formidable lady who is currently sitting on top the power ranking, one who now possesses the kind of bullet-proof ‘street cred’ enjoyed only by a handful of faces ala Nelson Mandela and Vaclav Havel etc. Oprah is desperate to sign her to a book deal and secure some film rights- so let’s hope she doesn’t.
Bono– For some reason he has managed to stay out of the headlines in 2010. We are grateful for this and reward him with a spot in our top ten.
Silvio Berlusconi– Tony and Cherie Blair’s holiday buddy, but has he evolved as a public figure since his hair transplant in 2004? The Italian head of state referred to his recent scandalous orgies as “bunga bunga” parties. Upon confrontation of this, he attempted to shift the blame south, saying he’d learned about them from Libyan President Muammar Qaddafi. There is something very wrong with this picture.
Kim Jong Il– Our sometimes eccentric Dear Leader(here we see Kim inspecting his new battalion of killer-toy drones) has somehow managed to out smart the western media and still maintain some grip on power in North Korea. It looked like curtains for Kim when he got blamed for shooting first in an attack near the disputed sea border with South Korea, and was also denounced by Russia, Japan and the European Union. To relieve some of Kim’s stress, President Obama then announced that North Korea was “a serious and ongoing threat that needs to be dealt with”. Looks like he’s pretty safe then. Back to his Karaoke machine.
Lady Gaga– The former lap dancer- pop’s own queen of the occult, has made our list simply on the strength that she her insipid escapades have crowded out tattoo-laden junkie Amy Winehouse from the headlines for most of 2010. A major achievement.
Manny Pacquiao– Pacquiao is arguably the world’s best professional boxer, with lethal speed and power to match. Wanting to make a difference before losing most of his brain cells via head shots, the Filipino Flash wants to go into politics, a move seldom made by boxers who tend to milk their careers into their middle age. A fighter with brains, and one we truly admire.
Prince William– Arguably he is the best looking Windsor in genealogical memory. In his first ever major diplomatic mission stroke business trip, the young prince was a victim of a classic “Kansas City shuffle” in Zürich, suffering a humiliating defeat at the hands of Russia for the lucrative and prestigious 2018 FIFA World Cup bid. But the palace bounced back immediately by announcing a much more exciting event (who needs the World Cup?), a snap Royal Wedding fixture instead, set for this spring. Whatever it takes to keep Britain on the map. Good show.
Vladimir Putin– The Grandmaster… his World Cup checkmate over Britain left warm goulash on the faces an all-star England delegation which included a Prince, a Tory MP and Golden Balls. The ever-astute Putin recognised that in order to woo a FIFA committee comprised of middle-aged male lotharios, you need two things: fat brown envelopes… and women. Fortunately for Russia, they have plenty of both. Not to mention he stepped aside as President, yet still maintained a grip on his country’s levers of power. This is a serious player.
Tom Waits– Tom didn’t do anything out of the ordinary this year, but he made the list because we couldn’t think of anyone else who is as talented, has been as consistently unpolitically correct over the years, and has maintained his street cred whilst growing old gracefully.
Tiger Woods– This was the year of Tiger, when he jumped off the sports pages and on to the tabloids. Tiger made the list because his public confession of gross infidelity was probably the biggest balls-up in PR history, leaving many sports fans to wonder if he should really be on the LPGA tour. Did Tiger’s expensive handlers learn nothing from the trial of Bill Clinton?
Now… just compare our list to TIME Magazine’s 2010 Person of the Year list and you can see how our elite stack up, and mostly for the right reasons. Sadly, TIME lost the plot a long time ago and routinely stack their annual list with predictable faces that are mainly used to delineate the traditional left vs right controlled paradigm. Some of their elite nominees could be on the GonzoTown roster, but didn’t quite make it. TIME’s own list includes:
Julian Assange– No doubt, Julian is an interesting bloke and a very clever bastard. Wiki-leaker and sex maniac, the silver fox could easily become Australia’s next PM but prefers Europe’s more liberal lifestyle trappings. Stranger things have happened.
Glenn Beck– Since he was outed as a likely CIA guy, Glenn has been back pedaling, side pedaling, diagonal pedaling. Whatever Glenn. In his own words, he would like to nominated for every possible award in the world but claims he would not really want to win any of them.
David Cameron– Not to be confused with James. They obviously needed someone to fill out the “C” category. What happened to Clegg?
The Chilean Miners– Chile’s answer to the Apollo Astronauts. Enough already.
Arne Duncan– Now he’s a good enough bloke and a pretty good basketball player to boot, but we believe having a massive Federal Department of Education is actually the problem. For this reason, we have to pass on Arne.
Recep Tayyip Erdogan– Another decent bloke with a decent CV. The Turkish commander ‘n chief has been given some credit for sorting out a problem which has often been beyond the grasp of many third world leaders- the elimination of six zeros off of the inflating Turkish Lira. Well done mate.
Jonathan Franzen– He sold a lot of books. A lot. We haven’t gotten around to reading any yet though. Suffice to, Jon is filthy rich now and according to his press office, probably doesn’t need, much less care for our prestigious award.
Lady Gaga– Does the world really need another new “Pop” icon? She’s knocked Madonna off her niche throne- female artist with no visible talent other than to do shock performance art in video and on stage. We are going to pass on any comments regarding TIME’s choice here, for obvious reasons.
Robert Gates– Bush hold-over who is still controlling the Pentagon, Obama’s boy now. He should’ve been unemployed in Jan 2009, right? Wrong. In your neoliberal dreams. Welcome to Obama Land.
Tony Hayward– Tony will go down in history as the Chief Exec who shepherded his company through the most intricate and deceptive corporate lying campaign ever seen. BP’s oil disaster might end up, amongst other things, ruining the entire Gulf Stream ecosystem. Typical situation where the corporation gives orders to the state, oh, and a golden parachute for you Mr Hayward.
Hu Jintao– Power dresser and Red Army boss. He is currently lording over the US. China couldn’t give a damn what TIME thinks. When a Chinese President actually gets the TIME award, you will know that this is the signal that the US has been declared an official salvage yard for our boys in Beijing.
LeBron James– A great athlete. This is a ballsy pick by TIME, as apparently we are told, there aren’t too many great athletes in NBA, right?
Steve Jobs– Pretty safe pick, Apple’s stock certainly reflects good times. I don’t actually know anyone who bought an iPad though.
Hamid Karzai– Ex-Oil exec-cum-Bush puppet, his brother was recently outed as drug lord and CIA informant. But he’s bringing democracy and fast food to the unwashed Afghani masses. This type of CV normally gives TIME’s editors a warm fuzzy feeling.
David and Charles Koch– Right Wing power tag-team. Like Glenn Beck every other new trendy right-wing cum ‘liberatarian’ rock star, the Brothers Koch have quickly grafted off whatever Ron Paul ideas they could without alienating their media gatekeepers. The only thing which scored points with our team at GonzoTown was that Al Gore and his flock have declared the Kochsters as “climate criminals”, which is worth a point or two in our algorithm.
Liu Xiaobo– Chinese literary dissident, a latter day Alexander Solzhenitsyn, but seriously, give us a few more years of Bush-Obama Patriot Act Land and we will have work camps full of these type of dudes in the US.
Barack Obama– It seems that after having already been named the Messiah, the One and Healer of Nations, our Mack Daddy numero uno and MTV’s sexiest man of the millennium, TIME felt obliged to include him, yet again. Looks like it will be an annual thing.
Sarah Palin– There are times when some of us wished that Russia had not sold Alaska to the Americans for $7 million and 10 cases of vodka.
Nancy Pelosi– The only woman who can score lower than Sarah Palin…
Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf– He is a foundation funded, arguably FBI false flag tool, a real example of a worthless media creation in the War on Terror.
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert– The question here is, why not include Jay Leno and make a trio? This is a typical choice which exposes TIME’s editorial team for the pack of Ivy League monkeys that they truly are.
The Unemployed American– This like one of heart string TIME’s ‘concept’ candidates, or is it the name of a new death punk band? Not sure, could be.
J. Craig Venter– Another bio-billionaire. Mildly interesting bloke, but let’s check back in ten years and see what two-headed genies are out of the bottle then.
Elizabeth Warren, Mary Schapiro and Sheila Bair– Female bankers who got rich pushing that notorious AAA-rated Wall Street crack and are now cashing in their chips. The message here: woman can also get a piece of that action too.
Mark Zuckerberg (2010 TIME winner)- Alphabetically last, but certainly not least, Mark won the crown in 2010. Couldn’t manage to get a date at Harvard, so he channelled his angst into creating the biggest social network ever. He is officially the youngest-ever billionaire geek, dethroning perennial geek and digital overlord, Bill Gates. His film was pretty good we reckon. But let’s be honest, although Facebook is pretty cool, despite all the “friends”, we’re all still spending way too much time getting drunk in bars and clubs. Sort it out Mark.
Stay tuned… GonzoTown will announce its own winner for 2010 “Man of the Year” this Friday Jan 14th at 12pm GMT.