Skip to content

GONZO TOWN MAN OF THE YEAR 2011: YOUR NOMINEES

December 28, 2011

By Stone Pinkerton

It’s still regarded by the world’s true movers and shakers as ‘the one to get’. In other words, GONZO TOWN’S 2011 MAN OF YEAR AWARD is as prestigious as any other award in the modern media sphere.

Our bigger, more well-funded competitors like TIME, MTV and GQ have nearly killed this great genre altogether, by over-saturating the publics’ brains with the worst array of political criminals, severely overrated Hollywood types and overpaid internet geeks-cum-gods imaginable. It’s like an annual horror show of banality and globalist mind manipulation.

How is our G-TOWN contest different from theirs? Putting it simply, we swim against the current. We haven’t sold out to commercial pop culture, but more importantly, we aren’t pretending to be cool, or ‘in the know’ – because our readers are constantly reminding us that we are not at all cool, and definitely not in with the ‘in crowd’ since we blocked Johnny Depp (he was talking too much on Twitter, claiming to ‘know’ us) from our subscriber list and de-friended Noam Chomsky from our Facebook page last year because he was always plugging something or rather.

The failure of the establishment’s  TIME Magazine Man of Year award is fairly evident after looking at who has won their prize the last three years: Barack Obama 2008 , Ben Bernanke 2009, and Mark Zuckerberg 2010. Three howlers in a row (and three men you would not go on a beer binge with), a horrendous streak that has discredited them well into the next century. Next is GQ Magazine, who actually do a slightly better job than TIME, but still lack substance, relying too much on image and fashion.

It’s true that actor and part-time boxer Mickey Rourke was G-TOWN’S 2010 MAN OF THE YEAR, but it wasn’t an easy contest – 2010’s field of nominees were many and quite fierce to boot. Because of a bug in our power ranking software and the explosive popularity of Kim Jong Ill last year, there was a bit of controversy over how the final ballots were cast – in nutshell, we admit it was a mess. So we have  reformed our democratic system this year to include some new checks and balances. Our nominees are derived from a list of names put forward by our international editorial board, already known to be on the cutting edge of culture and politics. We nominate, and you the readers vote.

Last year we received a whopping 590 votes from readers on our mailing list and in the comment section. So send your vote to us via email, or put the name of your choice for the 2011 MAN OF THE YEAR winner in the comment area at the end of this post.

Forward to your friends and get them involved in the vote, the more votes we get, the bigger the mandate G-TOWN’S winner will have.

2010 was an exceptional year, but the world has really been slacking off in 2011, forcing us to be much more selective, serving up a slightly thinner field. We looked for pure stand-out icons, true ass-kickers, edgy dudes, unapologetic rebels, as well as opening up our elite competition to a new category of nominee: unbelievably tragic icon (who deserves recognition purely on the basis of the amount of hardship endured in 2011). We’re not ready to do the political correct ‘Person of the Year’ thing quite yet. But we’ll guarantee that ours will be the most controversy-loaded list out there for 2011 Man of the Year.

Normally, we would nominate a few athletes for the list, but seeing as basketball is the guilty pleasure of most the Gonzo board and the NBA decided to go on strike for half the season during an economic climate where normal wage earners are struggling to keep up with food and gas bills, they are all persona non grata until next year. A bunch of tall greedy bastards. Julian Assange would have made the list, but the fact he’s been hiding out on a Bedfordshire farm for the last year making pies and managing a compost heap hasn’t really helped his case for Man of the Year. A far cry from globe-trotting wiki-swinger. We would have also put Private Bradley Manning on the list, but oddly enough, no one outside of the military brig has yet to confirm that he actually exists. 

We expect to be heavily criticized, redacted and attacked by the ADL and the SPLC for this year’s nominee list, but if we weren’t, then we wouldn’t really be doing our job, would we?

YOUR LIST OF NOMINEES FOR 2011:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – He’s an ex-school teacher and a pure political animal, not to mention someone who you would not want to be playing for money against in backgammon or chess. We have nominated Mahmoud because for the umpteenth straight year – he’s still around. He’s a winner and a true survivor, not to mention a tireless thorn in the side of Washington’s Mother Superior – Hillary Clinton, and her neocon fetish pets currently locked in the Pennsylvania Ave basement. His anti-American speeches have gone from anti-imperial rants, to eloquent cultural critiques, using the UN bully pulpit to give America advice on what to do. “No WMD’s here”. We dare you to find them. On top of all this… no one yet has ever seen Mahmoud wearing a tie, indicating that he’s no bureaucrat office-space slave. Need we say more?

Fidel Castro – At the tender age of 85, Fidel has been hanging in there, showing he still looks cool donning the Cohiba in his Jimmy Saville track suit, living proof that Cuba has got a bang’in NHS. 2011 was the year he finally stepped down from his chief exec position, enabling us to reclassify him as a “benevolent dictator”. Good job Fidel.

Bradley Cooper – No other actors made it on the list this year. Cooper was featured heavily in GQ’s Man of the Year contest, and may have won (we’re not sure cuz the newest issue we have in G-TOWN’s loo is from 2003). They claimed he was the new top dog and forced him to do a very gay photo shoot with too much make-up all because of his supposedly primo part in The Hangover II, which was a typical pile of shite as far as films go, but quite ideal for the mindless modern cinema goer. Cooper is privileged to land on this year’s list seeing that we hate Hollywood, but he was an extremely cool actor in an extremely interesting film. We nominated him solely because of his role in Limitless about a writer who takes the new ‘super pill’ allowing him to cheat the limitations of the human brain- possibly Hollywood’s most relevant cultural effort this year. Cooper did his role brilliantly in this film – and certainly got our imagination working overtime. Who wouldn’t want to learn a foreign language in a weekend or figure out the markets and make millions in a week?

Muomar Gaddafi – When we said this will be the most controversial list of 2011, we bloody well meant it. Gaddafi wanted to introduce a gold-backed dinar for Libya in 2011, a move that would have turned to financial scene on its head, and made Libya the Switzerland of Africa. There’s a lot one might say about the former Libyan leader, but remember this: with the odds stacked against them, any other tin-pot dictator would have cut and run in the early days of NATO’s illegal and corrupt war waged on Libya. But Gaddafi stayed and hung-in right to the very end, and took a bullet. His son also hung in with Dad and his fate was the same. This is not the quality of a brutal coward, rather, the Colonel behaved more like a monarch of old. Love him or hate him, he displayed a level of honour not visible in today’s world of technocrats and sycophantic political bagmen. Shame on the West for making his execution a Youtube hit. NATO’s intervention claimed over 30,000 lives, while the UN are still unable to prove its original allegations of Gaddafi ‘gunning down his own people’. Now Libya lays in ruins, as NATO moves its sights onto its next victim, Syria.

Max Keiser – This year, Keiser has really done well. His show on RT is getting crazy ratings and he is currently making the rest of the financial guru community look like a herd of confused penguins who think they can fly. He has become THE go-to-guy in a time of Eurozone and Wall Street madness, meaning he has truly earned his place on our list in 2011. Go Max.

Osama bin Laden - There are few men out there who have the balls to be dead for ten years, and then come back to life knowing he’d be killed again. Predictably, Obama announced, “There will be no photos or videos released” – because the White House had none. Makes sense. After playing old VHS footage of Bin Laden recorded during the 90’s and dubbing over the audio, the CIA eventually ran out tricks and so decided it was time to close the book on this terror icon extraordinaire. If he comes back from the dead again, he will be incredibly pissed off to find out the US Navy dumped his body in the Indian Ocean, rather than allowing him the courtesy to lay in state. More than anyone, Osama earned his place on this year’s list.

Titus Ncube – Who is Titus Ncube? Titus is the headliner in that unbelievably tragic icon category we told you about earlier. Not since John Wayne Bobbit, has there been a male warrior who ‘really took one for the team’. Respect to Titus, because he has really endured some serious public humiliation on a mass scale in 2011. No ordinary John, he’s a married man from Zimbabwe who ordered a prostitute to his hotel room, and then collapsed in shock after he answered the door… to his own daughter. There should be some award due to poor Titus – will it be the G-TOWN 2011 trophy?

Ron Paul – RP is about the closest thing to a bona fide rock star that the US political scene will see for a generation. First they ignored him, then they attacked him and now they are not sure what to do about him. Why is Ron Paul leading in the polls for his party’s GOP nomination? Because his ideas have landed on the national stage at the perfect moment – a time when Americans are desperate for real ideas and solutions. Most intelligent pundits would agree that entering 2012, the US is well and truly ******, and no one is better qualified to stop the bleeding and get Uncle Sam of his financial smack addiction than the good Doctor from Texas. Now all the GOP has to do is get him in a head to head against Barry O’Bomber, a contest we believe would shock the entire world. In 2012, we hope Ron Paul will finally have the big guns behind him, God knows America needs him now more than ever.

Manny Pacquiao - Pound for pound, the Filipino Flash is arguably the world’s best professional fighter, routinely making burgers out of his opponents, and not getting arrested between bouts. Pacquiao successfully defended his WBO welterweight boxing title this year against three-division world champion Shane Mosley. Wanting to make a difference before losing what are left of his precious brain cells, Manny has gone into politics, and learned to play golf in the process. Expect more big things in the future from Asia’s lethal weapon.

Vladimir Putin – The Russian Bear is back. Putin has got the balls and brains to lead, and announced he will be running for Prez again in early 2012 – the bookie’s favourite to win it. He may even go on to declare himself ‘President for Life’ – and who’s going to stop him? Reasons: Russia is the world’s number one oil producer and currently solvent – compared to an insolvent Europe and USA. This financial fact puts Putin’s Russia on top in terms of the global power pecking order. If you’ve seen the video where he rode into Red Square on a motorbike, clad in black leather and playing euro-metal tunes through his 20K PA, then you can hardly deny this 5’6″ ex-KGB strongman a place on the G-TOWN list. Put Vlad in any contest against Obama or Cameron, be it drinking, chess, trivia, boxing, skeet shooting, or even basketball, and we would put our cash behind Vlad… every time.

Charlie Sheen – There exist so few in show business or in politics who can by their actions or words, inject a cool new term into our popular lexicon. This is massive, and Charlie did it – “Winning”. Charlie got chucked off his own number one TV sitcom, and  although he may have lost a packet, it’s nothing compared to what the network lost by letting him go, replacing him with some bloke who was allegedly knobbing Bruce Willis’s ex-wife, not cool. Sheen proved himself to be an authentic man of the people in 2011, doing that one thing that every one has always wanted to do but never does – tell the boss to go f*** himself and don’t look back, come what may. Charlie’s a winner because he’s got that single thing which is so lacking in Hollywood, a thing called talent. Now he’s officially become a generational icon, placing him in pole position in the G-TOWN 2011 Grand Prix.

George Takei – This was a surprise nomination. George played Lt. Sulu on the epic series Star Trek. Some would say that’s cool enough to get on this list, but George took it where no Hollywood icon has gone before. In a rant late this year, Sulu went on a rampage starting a campaign ordering Star Trek and Star Wars fans lay down their weapons and join forces against the Twilight Saga teen vampire film series. According to Takei, “In Twilight the only message that rings through loud and clear is: ‘Does my boyfriend like me?”. Clearly, Takei has taken it upon himself to do a service to humanity and rid the youth of this satanic vampire rubbish, a massive bit of work which fast-trekked him onto the G-TOWN list for 2011. At 74 yrs of age, George Takei is still kicking ass.

Donald Trump – He’s not everyone cup of tea, and his hair piece is a flat-out joke, likely stemming from a low self-esteem and more likely from a severe lack of hair. But hear this: old Trumpy hit a home run early in 2011 by calling out Barry Soetoro aka Barack Obama, on his incredibly dodgy birth certificate. Trump’s bold move forced Bazza to rush the issue, causing the White House to release a hacked-up Adobe PDF forgery of Barry’s paper work, one of the most ill-conceived forgeries in history. Thanks to Trumpy, the world has finally seen the level of naked fraud which has infested US politics. Bill Clinton cried, “How dare you”. You might think the hair is silly and that The Apprentice is an annoying program, but damn, he really did the business on Barry.

NOW VOTE…

Send us your vote via email, or put your choice for the 2011 MAN OF THE YEAR winner in the comment area below.

VOTING CLOSES on Jan 31st 8am PST – with the winner announced during the hangover period sometime on New Year’s Day.

GOOD NEWS FOR MEN: Scientists claim PMS may be easily treatable

December 28, 2011

Editor’s Note: And who said there was no positive news left out there anymore. This could quite possibly be the single greatest scientific breakthrough in the history of medicine and human knowledge – for men anyway. But if it’s true, women will lose one of their greatest advantages in the battle for gender dominance. No longer will you hear that old chestnut, “Leave me alone dammit, I’m on my *&#@*#* period!”… Indeed, we could very well be entering an age of social bliss.


Claire Bates
Mail Online

Women who battle monthly mood swings, irritability and insomnia as a result of PMS could soon find relief after researchers claimed it may be easily treatable.

Look out: men have learned how to make themselves scarce when a woman has hit that point in here lunar cycle

Research in to premenstrual syndrome – which affects up to eight per cent of women – showed the affliction was due to a hormone that occurs naturally in the body.

Women suffer the physical and emotional symptoms of PMS depending on their sensitivity to the hormone, ‘allopregnanolone’.

The hormone is released in the body after ovulation and during pregnancy, and when changes occur in the course of the menstrual cycle. Most women are more sensitive to allopregnanolone immediately after menstruation, and less sensitive before. They usually suffer no PMS complaints.

However women who suffer severe symptoms of PMS experience the opposite – a high sensitivity before their period – which may mean they have less ability to adapt to hormonal variations. Therefore, women with a high sensitivity to allopregnanolone before menstruation experience mood swings and heightened emotions before having their periods.

The study, by doctor Erika Timby at the Umee University, Sweden, is a breakthrough in understanding PMS.

During her doctoral dissertation, women were given allopregnanolone in doses that elevated the amount in their blood to levels normally seen during pregnancy. Researchers recorded a fatiguing effect in the form of slower eye movement and increased feeling of tiredness.

Dr Timby said: ‘We have studied few women, but this is one of the first studies to examine the effects of this particular metabolite from the corpus luteus hormone in humans.

‘Greater knowledge of the underlying mechanisms of pronounced PMS can ultimately provide clues for new methods of treatment.’

THIS IS WHY I AM STRIKING (COCKNEY CABBIE IS MAD AS HELL)

December 6, 2011

By Stone Pinkerton

What this joke of a flimsy UK “coalition” government does not want – is to have thousands of prang, pissed-off, Cockney Cabbies on their hands.

Cockney Cabbies are getting wise to the complex scams that were once the intellectual reserve of ivory merchants in The City. In case the elite haven’t noticed, they don’t even bother reading the Sun anymore, they read the FT and read f***ing ironic news blogs now. The age of class mind control is coming to an end, and the elites are not even half aware of it.

As if Ponzi schemes were invented by bankers… please. Any crafty chappie from Essex run rings around City toff white collar thieves – they certainly know a scam, or a government completely milking it when they see one.

Forget V for Vendetta and that stupid Guy Fawkes mask, and image 20,000 angry Millwall and West Ham supporters joining forces and storming the UK Parliament. That should send shivers down anyone’s spine. It’s an end game scenario. Period.

WARNING: David Cameron, you do not want to get on the wrong side of these guys.

They will fuck you right up, and out of office.

Angry Cockney Cabbies could take over the Albion, and will then move on to take over most of France and Spain.

Hotel guest collapses in shock after hiring prostitute and answering door…to his daughter

November 30, 2011

Editor’s Note: Bad manners. He could have at least paid for her cab home.

Lucy Buckland
Mail Online

A married man who ordered a prostitute to a hotel room collapsed in shock after he answered the door to his own daughter.

Titus Ncube from Bulawayo’s Nkulumane 5 suburb in Zimbabwe, said he was so shocked at seeing his daughter that he fell to the ground.

The 20-year-old woman, who has not been named, was so upset she fled the hotel in tears.

Mr Ncube told the Zimbabwe News he was having marital problems and decided to take some comfort elsewhere so rented a hotel room – and hired the prostitute.

The father-of-three told Zimbabwe News: ‘I am sorry for what I did. I spoke to my wife and my daughter.

‘I apologised for my actions because I just wanted my family back.

‘My daughter has now stopped doing what she was doing and is going back to school next year.

‘My marital problems are not over, but we have a marriage counsellor who is helping us to get over this most difficult period in our marriage.’

But his wife Rosemary added: ‘If it were not for my children, I could have divorced him a long time ago.

‘But because I know the trauma that divorce has on children, I made a decision to stay.’

 

Tunnels to 13 US underground bases being sealed off

October 4, 2011

Press Core

At least 13 very powerful underground explosions rocked the United States Midwest in the last 48 hours. 

They registered as small shallow earthquakes with the USGS.  Many of the underground high explosive detonations registered as 2.6 magnitude earthquakes.  The U.S. military is said to be sealing off the tunnels so that the Globalists and the U.S. ghost government (Federal Reserve Bankers, FEMA, DHS, CIA) can’t run and hide from what is predicted to occur within 48 hours of September 27, 2011.

Officers in the U.S. military didn’t seem to be aware of Obama and the Globalists’ planned converging on Denver for a DEFCON 1 (nuclear war imminent) “cocked pistol” drill.  An email was sent to the U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations on September 21, 2011 to alert them to planned false flag nuclear detonations on U.S. soil in the American Midwest. The U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations were the ones who raided Citadel Gun and Safe Store in Las Vegas on August 21, 2011 to recover stolen nuclear warhead detonators. They were the ones who intercepted the transfer of improvised nuclear warheads by the CIA in the tunnels that connected the Deep Underground Military Bases on August 23, 2011. The improvised nuclear bombs (W54 style warheads) were being transfered via those tunnels to Washington DC and New York City when they detonated during a firefight between U.S. military personnel and CIA/DHS/FEMA operatives.

A number of underground bases have been sealed of recently, many will speculate as to why.

It would appear that the U.S. military had a deadline to meet and has already damaged, destroyed or sealed at least 13 underground tunnels or bases. Perhaps their incentive was the fact that Obama, his shadow government  and the Globalists made plans to save their own hides and leave the rest of use to fend for ourselves.

Perhaps they investigated and confirmed that another false flag nuclear detonation was imminent and acted accordingly to prevent it.

-

Al Gore’s Army of Angry Polar Bears Are on the Move

October 4, 2011

Stone Pinkerton
Oct 4, 2011

Al Gore, the high priest of the anthropogenic global warming death cult, has been banging on for years now about those poor polar bears he says are disappearing. The reality is much different of course.

The bloody truth of the matter is that polar bears are breeding like rabbits and their numbers are booming, much to the dismay of people who fall within these beasts’ catchment areas.

Someone needs to tell Gore and his climate flock that this is no laughing matter- polar bear attacks are definitely on the rise.

There is an army of angry fury beasts on the move. Warning: if you see these bad boys larking around your local tundra or remote arctic outpost, do not attempt to pet them, talk to them, cuddle them, or feed them.

As a general rule, they do like to attack humans much in the same fashion that a cat enjoys taking sporting swipes with their paws at an injured innocent little bird or mouse. Pure sport, with the possibility of a meal at the end of playtime. Video nasty demonstrates our case in point:

Graphic video of a polar bear attack, bear is visibly angry and emotionally hurt by Al Gore. 

Gore and the climate change Jonestown crowd will also tell you they can’t swim either, but they can. If the land-cruising mammal kingdom had an Olympic swimming event, Polar Bears would be taking more gold home than that infamously androgynous East German women’s team did through the ladder half of the 20th Century.

Climate change? Really. 2011 will be another record breaking winter with more snow and certainly many more cute and cuddly polar bears.

Look out Mr Gore, they’re coming for you, and they are pissed off that you wrote them off. Very, very upset indeed.

He will not let his church die, expect more preaching and sermons for at least a year or two.

-

Why We’re Obsessed with the Apocalypse

September 22, 2011

By Robert Brockway
Cracked      

Careful readers may have already deduced from this abandoned places article, this Fallout article, this zombie contingency article and, oh yeah, the entire damn book I wrote about it, that I’m kind of obsessed with the apocalypse. This fact, coupled with the hurtling, unstoppable, exploding comet of my shining Internet celebrity, and it’s only logical that I was invited to speak on a panel at the Doomsday Film Festival this year.

… which I won’t be attending.

Partially because I’m trying to nurture a Salinger-esque mystique (if Salinger wrote homoerotic horror fan-fiction about Mario Lopez) and also because I just can’t afford it. But, y’know: Mostly that gay/terror/Saved by the Bell/Salinger thing. Regardless, the subject of the panel has been stuck in my head since the invitation. It asks a very simple, very valid question that we, as apocalypse nerds, should all be contemplating: What is with this doomsday obsession? Why does it exist? Why is something so horrific so appealing to us?

And the answer is: Because it’s awesome.

Query satisfied! End of conversation, now let’s go play zombies.

No? Still some more space to fill?

Well shit, all right: Let’s start by analyzing what makes apocalyptic fiction work. Not what makes an individual property thrive or fail: This isn’t about how the apocalyptic horror genre is faltering because zombies have been overplayed more than that Outkast song. And this isn’t an analysis of the missteps of doomsday dramas, though there are many (The Walking Dead is gambling on a risky strategy of no-dimensional character development, and The Road was like a post-nuclear Requiem for a Dream; it was good, sure, but just a bit too effective at making the audience want to kill themselves. It’s hard to get word of mouth going when every mouth has a gun in it after the movie is over).

Our focus is broader: What makes the specific apocalyptic angle in any given fiction work? Is it the subject matter?

A good doomsday story walks a fine line: It can’t go too far and level everything, because there has to be some recognizable element of our society left for us to identify with. We still need to see the remains of our own bombed out towns and decimated cities, or to see the characters making use of our old technologies. The Mad Max series died at the third film for a reason: There wasn’t enough of us — the modern day audience — left in there. Beyond Thunderdome was about a new society, not the shattered remnants of our own.

Shamelessly seductive: cinematic depictions of the apocalypse will always pull in the punters

Then there’s the other side of the coin: Not taking it far enough. Stories usually fall into this trap when they revolve around characters dealing with an apocalyptic event in a society that’s still just a bit too recognizable. Jericho was good and all, but the world it presented wasn’t foreign enough to capture the imagination. At the end of the day, it was basically a show about a town where the Internet is down. And while that’s horrifying and tragic, it doesn’t quite hit the same buttons as watching the Statue of Liberty crumble. Apocalyptic fiction is not like porn, where the fundamental building blocks of the genre (i.e. the promise of boning) is also the entire appeal.

Is it plot? Does the End of Days make certain, stronger story arcs possible? Maybe. It does provide a good opportunity to examine mankind as a whole. Most fiction revolves around conflict on a more personal level, and there aren’t many backdrops that allow the same kind of broad speculation as the apocalypse. It could be that doomsday holds an inherent appeal because of the scenarios, situations and questions it presents. But if that were the case, wouldn’t that mean there was some amount of appeal to anything post-apocalyptic, regardless of quality? Because that sure as hell isn’t the case:

The Resident Evil movies.

That’s it. That’s the entirety of my counter-argument: The Resident Evil movies.

On paper, they should’ve been good: Novel sci-fi settings, super-plagues, zombies, Milla Jovovich — it’s like somebody made a movie out of my Facebook interests. But roughly 15 minutes into the first film and they abandon everything to bash action figures together and make explosion noises with their mouths. The final product ends up holding no more appeal for an apocalypse geek than Jane Eyre, and with only slightly more titties.

Read more: Why We’re Obsessed with the Apocalypse | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/why-were-obsessed-with-apocalypse/#ixzz1YfuS3QVr

 

 

 

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 30 other followers